I was a dance major my freshman year at Arizona State. I was depressed AS HELL being away from my family, not having any friends and being in a metropolis after growing up in a town of 300 people. It was shocking to say the least. Plus, on top of it all, I was dealing with a controlling, mentally abusive kind-of-ex-boyfriend and I was lonely.
Because I had been with my ex for 2 years, all the music I listened to reminded me of him. But John Mayer’s Room For Squares had just come out and I so that was my go-to. I had no attachment to my ex through it. Unfortunately, it became the what-I-listened-to-when-I-was-depressed-my-freshman-year-in-college-because-I-missed-my-ex-boyfriend album.
Music was the only thing during my freshman year that made me happy. In fact, music was the reason I danced. I learned recently there is a term for people who have a visceral reaction to music from goosebumps to tears. It’s called frisson. Researchers don’t know why it occurs and what purpose it could or did serve us. But I don't care. I just know that the music and being able to dance to it was pure passion. It fed me during that time in a way I struggle to explain.
At some point my freshman year I met a woman named Melanie who agreed to choreograph a dance for me based on a song I was obsessed with called I’m So Afraid by one of the greatest guitarists of all time, Lindsey Buckingham. Every time I met with Melanie to rehearse was like going to therapy
I’ve had the video of this dance on VHS for over 20 years. About 5 years ago I had it transferred to a DVD. I watch it at least once a year and I’ve danced it a few times in various festivals and recitals. When I hear the song I see the dance in my mind. All of the same feelings come back. Sometimes, when it’s been a long time since I watched it, I will tear up. It’s amazing how emotional it can make me. Someone in my hometown calls it the “angst” dance. Never mind the video quality is terrible or I can see all of the errors (the main ones caused by the fact that I had only practiced in the space once after learning the dance in a studio 3x as big… see me almost fall off or hit the wall a few times!). Normally I wouldn’t feel the need to share something like this online. I don’t get my kicks from “likes.” But I hope the story along with the passion I hope you can feel from the dance hits you in the feels. It’s amazing technology allows me to share this after all this time. It really is something I carry with me all the time and, in 4 minutes and 44 seconds, can remind me of the darkness I felt during that time of my life and allow me to feel gratefulness for where I am now.
